My Laughing Valentine

Early in the day I received a postcard from my Ex-Girlfriend with no name on. Yes, on Valentine’s day. You can imagine the turmoil of thrill and anxiety I had. The card had a picturesque picture of the earth taken from the space. I paused to ward of the questions bombarding my feelings at rates faster than the speed of sound. What does she mean? Has our lost love now gone cosmic? Interstellar love?…Wait. Does she want me to bring back E.T. for her? . That’s when I decided to find and decipher the secret Morse code and flipped over the card. It read “WISH YOU WERE HERE”.

That’s how I could confirm which one it was. She was and evidently is still very funny, just like me. So the whole afternoon my mindpalace was filled with memories of all the dates and the cheeky things that I did and ended up screwing. Mostly it was my sense of humor that turned opportunities and situations to awkward and more awkward situations. So following are a few case in point examples.

This one girl that I was dating was very much into Math, so once as a flash of brilliance I told her that “My love for you is like Calculus. Although full of limits, I know we’re approaching to infinity.” She was instantly dumbstruck and then after a while gave me a problem of limits to solve. Now, I could have just told her my grades in Math courses and stopped making  things any more awkward. Instead I chose to solve the limits and got the result to be zero, which she then told was the chances for her love for me.

Recently this girl I was seeing had a ‘feeling missing’ fb status about missing out on the Coldplay concert as she had just recently moved to another city from Mumbai. The post ran with words like feeling, missed chance, sad, wished blah blah blah and some teary sad emojis too. The post already had two dozen likes. Now, what I should have done was send a flirting text like “Every tear is a waterfall” or something to cheer her up. Instead what I did was I reacted on her status with a laughing emoji. In my defence I was laughing at the fact that a dozen people liked the fact that she was feeling sad about missing an event. That night I had a lot of explanation to do. Present status- We don’t talk anymore.

Once on the occasion of my then girlfriend’s birthday, I joined her friends for the cake cutting thing. So after the cutting, and facial rituals were done, the sugarless cake was distributed and I gobbled mine. To my surprise as I looked around, I could see faces staring at me with everyone holding their pieces intact. To defuse the tension I said ” I guess, I should have asked for the instructions manual”.    It turns out that her pissed of friends were planning to insta with the whole group first. Later my girlfriend and I had a talk where she wanted me to stop being silly, stand up and move on. Women are always right. So now I do stand-up and moved on from making girlfriend jokes. Ex-Girlfriend jokes anyone?

Humor is incurable and I’m gonna make the same silly awkward situations again, if I get a second chance. So unlike most people’s wishes, I don’t need a reset switch. Infact out of introspection I have come to the conclusion that I need a self destruct switch, which is far better than being struck in a time loop.

Now I have to prepare some excuses as my single friends will soon grill me like ‘the news hour @9’ with questions like –                                                                                                           ‘

Do you have a girlfriend?

The nation wants to know.

Also the nation wants a NO.

Self-Destruct in 5,4,3,….

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