Recently, I : Deadpan edition

  • Recently, I wanted to join the debating team, but then someone talked me out of it.
  • That guy went on to  be the joint secretary of debsoc.
  • If I have a duel with him, I would let him have my pen because pen is mightier than a sword.

 

  • Recently, I had applied to the editorial of the college magazine.
  • You know, you can’t please all the people all the time- & that day all these people were at my interview for magazine recruitment

 

  • Recently, I settled for tennis in the hopes of breaking into the team one day.
  • My motivation read like- loosing a tennis match isn’t failure, it’s research.
  • Apparently no one wants me to stop my research.
  • I was so involved that I should be getting the government funding.
  • I won the bronze medal in one of the tournaments.
  • Only two other players showed up.
  • I wasn’t depressed about it because, according to my research the organizers couldn’t afford more than one gold medal.

 

  • Recently, I visited a museum.
  • It had heads and arms from statutes that are in other museums. 
  • It’s the only place where you can find so many decapitated cool looking heads.
  • I wonder whether these museums had battles and for settlement partitioned all the full bodied assets. 

 

  • Recently, I went on a date with a girl.
  • She handed a picture of hers to me, and said ” Here’s a picture of me when I was younger”
  • I said every picture of you is when you were younger.
  • She somehow burnt her tongue over the espresso and still went on talking the whole evening.
  • I got dumped later.
  • Probably for not buying her ice-cream in the winter.
  • As a gentleman I didn’t kiss and tell either.

 

  • Recently, I went to CCD…..alone.
  • I had an amazing experience.
  • I saw a sign that said “HELP WANTED”, there was this another sing above that said “SELF SERVICE”
  • So I hired Myself.
  • Then I made myself the boss.
  • I gave myself a raise.
  • I paid myself.
  • Then I quit.

My Laughing Valentine

Early in the day I received a postcard from my Ex-Girlfriend with no name on. Yes, on Valentine’s day. You can imagine the turmoil of thrill and anxiety I had. The card had a picturesque picture of the earth taken from the space. I paused to ward of the questions bombarding my feelings at rates faster than the speed of sound. What does she mean? Has our lost love now gone cosmic? Interstellar love?…Wait. Does she want me to bring back E.T. for her? . That’s when I decided to find and decipher the secret Morse code and flipped over the card. It read “WISH YOU WERE HERE”.

That’s how I could confirm which one it was. She was and evidently is still very funny, just like me. So the whole afternoon my mindpalace was filled with memories of all the dates and the cheeky things that I did and ended up screwing. Mostly it was my sense of humor that turned opportunities and situations to awkward and more awkward situations. So following are a few case in point examples.

This one girl that I was dating was very much into Math, so once as a flash of brilliance I told her that “My love for you is like Calculus. Although full of limits, I know we’re approaching to infinity.” She was instantly dumbstruck and then after a while gave me a problem of limits to solve. Now, I could have just told her my grades in Math courses and stopped making  things any more awkward. Instead I chose to solve the limits and got the result to be zero, which she then told was the chances for her love for me.

Recently this girl I was seeing had a ‘feeling missing’ fb status about missing out on the Coldplay concert as she had just recently moved to another city from Mumbai. The post ran with words like feeling, missed chance, sad, wished blah blah blah and some teary sad emojis too. The post already had two dozen likes. Now, what I should have done was send a flirting text like “Every tear is a waterfall” or something to cheer her up. Instead what I did was I reacted on her status with a laughing emoji. In my defence I was laughing at the fact that a dozen people liked the fact that she was feeling sad about missing an event. That night I had a lot of explanation to do. Present status- We don’t talk anymore.

Once on the occasion of my then girlfriend’s birthday, I joined her friends for the cake cutting thing. So after the cutting, and facial rituals were done, the sugarless cake was distributed and I gobbled mine. To my surprise as I looked around, I could see faces staring at me with everyone holding their pieces intact. To defuse the tension I said ” I guess, I should have asked for the instructions manual”.    It turns out that her pissed of friends were planning to insta with the whole group first. Later my girlfriend and I had a talk where she wanted me to stop being silly, stand up and move on. Women are always right. So now I do stand-up and moved on from making girlfriend jokes. Ex-Girlfriend jokes anyone?

Humor is incurable and I’m gonna make the same silly awkward situations again, if I get a second chance. So unlike most people’s wishes, I don’t need a reset switch. Infact out of introspection I have come to the conclusion that I need a self destruct switch, which is far better than being struck in a time loop.

Now I have to prepare some excuses as my single friends will soon grill me like ‘the news hour @9’ with questions like –                                                                                                           ‘

Do you have a girlfriend?

The nation wants to know.

Also the nation wants a NO.

Self-Destruct in 5,4,3,….

Public buses & folks on footboard -Stand Up Comedy

Ladies and Gentlemen, the following is the script of a standup routine which I performed at my first open mic. Despite there being numerous jokes and punchlines and things that may or may not make sense, the only laughs I got was for the fact that I was telling my audience (also read friends) about my life. I guess, I need to look for new friends and also as a consequence of being broke, I am gonna blog the whole thing down. Reading Time: 4min (It’s faster than the 2min claims by maggi)

So how many of you have traveled by crowded public buses? I’m talking about really crowded buses that comes to your mind when referring to DTC, BMTC…..the criteria being that at least a dozen dudes be seen hanging around the foot-board zone.

Now no matter how much you despise them because in reality you are clueless about your own life and have nothing else to be prouder about than judging them, because at that moment they are the real heroes. They have an alert vision and mission in their lives. You don’t. They practice day in and day out…and one day you see a battalion of them in the Republic day parade doing ballet on motor bikes.

They are the ones who will make it to the army. You have been following the wrong Delhi Daredevils all this time.

Now don’t be confused when I say not all the footboarders are good. Army has high standards and so are their rejection rates. You know what I mean. Yeah, so vast majority of them are morons.

During one of my public bus rides I spotted one footboard hanging dude and he became mean when I told him about there being space inside the bus. He’s a moron.

This dude was going all over the footboard as if it’s an Olympic sport. And as I was observing him closely, he kept on changing the positions in weird ways as if he was trying to get media attention and then even government funding.

He was literally going by the motto “it’s a matter of life and death” you know. This moron gave the the conductor a stupid guilt-inducing stare as if because of people like him India doesn’t win medals at the Olympics.

Now after a few many stops, there were unoccupied seats and this moron is still hanging there with more than half of his body outside. He was like on the constant look out for the road less traveled or something and surely he’s very excited to be the first one to jump and run to it.

That’s it people, thank you for being such a nice audience, and yeah you all are nice because most of the morons couldn’t make it here after taking the ticket to glory on the highway to hell.

 

 

 

 

Men without Signals- monologue

I don’t get the signal from women. I have no clue what they are thinking. I admit it. Men are obvious on the other hand. Women know what men want. Men know what men want. What do we want? We want women. How to get them? Oh we don’t know about that. The next step after that, we have no idea.

Women might wonder what goes on in men’s heads. I will tell you. Nothing. If you want to know why then it’s probably like ‘We want women, that’s it and nothing else runs in our heads’. We men don’t think….. I will tell you how. But it’s amazing that we still get women. Like ever wonder how every woman you meet “Have a boyfriend”?

Let me tell you a bit about our brotherhood. “Where ever women are”?  we have a man working on that situation right this moment. Now he may not be our best guy, Ok. Infact one of our guy’s tinder profile says “Although on the downside I am delusional, but on the plus side I am Batman.” BAM! That’s the best idea the last of his brain cells could come up with. It’s just that we have a lot of areas to cover. But someone from our team is on the scene.

Now you really want to know how despite being obvious and clueless our men make the cut. Let me take the example of our delusional batman. Our man gets a tinder match with a woman and they soon text it off to a start. After initial exchange of numbers and in one of the calls,  the woman goes like “So tell me what’s the secret behind you being so cool in life”, to which our man replies “ I enjoy carelessly during the day like Bruce Wayne and during the night I am the evil-fighting, justice seeking, responsible caped crusader”. And the amazed woman goes likeso tell me batman, what cool gadgets do you own?. “I have a laptop, a smartphone…..no two actually my old one still works if needed, and a kindle”. The woman goes “Oh”  and our man interrupts “ Also I have an earphone” to which the woman replies “Yeah, right. That’s cool too.

See this is our delusional batman flirting on the scene and that’s what I have been talking about so far. So the woman is obviously no longer delusional like our guy, and the conversation continues. Woman goes like “Since you are the best detective in the world, and as a test why don’t you do something for me?”, “I’m listening” says our guy and the woman goes like “Can you find me the phone number of Zac Efron?”.

Now at this point one needn’t be a millionaire or know even a single form of martial arts to realize that this is the signal that there is a BATSIGNAL somewhere wanting this guy off the scene immediately.

But anyway our man asks her “Does he know where the Joker is?” and the woman blurts out  “Whaaat?… Noo!” and Batman being Batman hangs up the phone.

See even Batman doesn’t get the signal.

handwriting