My Laughing Valentine

Early in the day I received a postcard from my Ex-Girlfriend with no name on. Yes, on Valentine’s day. You can imagine the turmoil of thrill and anxiety I had. The card had a picturesque picture of the earth taken from the space. I paused to ward of the questions bombarding my feelings at rates faster than the speed of sound. What does she mean? Has our lost love now gone cosmic? Interstellar love?…Wait. Does she want me to bring back E.T. for her? . That’s when I decided to find and decipher the secret Morse code and flipped over the card. It read “WISH YOU WERE HERE”.

That’s how I could confirm which one it was. She was and evidently is still very funny, just like me. So the whole afternoon my mindpalace was filled with memories of all the dates and the cheeky things that I did and ended up screwing. Mostly it was my sense of humor that turned opportunities and situations to awkward and more awkward situations. So following are a few case in point examples.

This one girl that I was dating was very much into Math, so once as a flash of brilliance I told her that “My love for you is like Calculus. Although full of limits, I know we’re approaching to infinity.” She was instantly dumbstruck and then after a while gave me a problem of limits to solve. Now, I could have just told her my grades in Math courses and stopped making  things any more awkward. Instead I chose to solve the limits and got the result to be zero, which she then told was the chances for her love for me.

Recently this girl I was seeing had a ‘feeling missing’ fb status about missing out on the Coldplay concert as she had just recently moved to another city from Mumbai. The post ran with words like feeling, missed chance, sad, wished blah blah blah and some teary sad emojis too. The post already had two dozen likes. Now, what I should have done was send a flirting text like “Every tear is a waterfall” or something to cheer her up. Instead what I did was I reacted on her status with a laughing emoji. In my defence I was laughing at the fact that a dozen people liked the fact that she was feeling sad about missing an event. That night I had a lot of explanation to do. Present status- We don’t talk anymore.

Once on the occasion of my then girlfriend’s birthday, I joined her friends for the cake cutting thing. So after the cutting, and facial rituals were done, the sugarless cake was distributed and I gobbled mine. To my surprise as I looked around, I could see faces staring at me with everyone holding their pieces intact. To defuse the tension I said ” I guess, I should have asked for the instructions manual”.    It turns out that her pissed of friends were planning to insta with the whole group first. Later my girlfriend and I had a talk where she wanted me to stop being silly, stand up and move on. Women are always right. So now I do stand-up and moved on from making girlfriend jokes. Ex-Girlfriend jokes anyone?

Humor is incurable and I’m gonna make the same silly awkward situations again, if I get a second chance. So unlike most people’s wishes, I don’t need a reset switch. Infact out of introspection I have come to the conclusion that I need a self destruct switch, which is far better than being struck in a time loop.

Now I have to prepare some excuses as my single friends will soon grill me like ‘the news hour @9’ with questions like –                                                                                                           ‘

Do you have a girlfriend?

The nation wants to know.

Also the nation wants a NO.

Self-Destruct in 5,4,3,….


#2 B for Brovenge

Now that I have found a way to get hold of Jan’s diary, without his highness being aware I’m gonna blog the truth out of his phony journal. It will be done one blog at a time after all,the courtesy has to be extended back to Jan dude for  all his actions. Well I don’t seriously intent to go filmy kinda revenge style, because as it happens he’s also my best friend, no actually is, but used to be, no longer after he bitched behind my back to Mags Crown.

Cutting all the literary crap out of the picture and hence the blog, Jan Boey is the kind of Bro for whom which every time you play wing man, you are bound to end up in regret. He acts to be very intuitive and mature for his age and spoils it for all- for everyone involved, which concerns me the most even in those sick of counting times. What made him this cocky and all different from the one I crashed into the first time has to do something with last summer.

Last summer Jan went to this some famous R&D company for internship, where he interned with a batch of students from other big-shot colleges. He had a crush on this one girl Stacy, also then there was this new buddy of his named Jack. One sober night Jan found that Stacy had another admirer in Jack, so outta nowhere in his attempts to save all the relations Jan came up with a pact. Jan and Jack wouldn’t let Stacy know their intents until the last day of intern and let Stacy and the Devil do the rest. It’s so simple and sober pact between the bros.

So on the the D-day as Jan sent his crush request to Stacy, it came back crushed and crumbled to him with a new fact that someone had asked Stacy out and been dating her ever since the beginning of intern who was later unveiled to be Jack (the pact) Breacher, much to the  disappointment of last hope of Jan. Truly Jack is not a Bro, and neither of Jan’s wishes came true.

That’s from when I guess Jan lost the spirit of Bro code and he never trusts me. Well that incident shouldn’t be a reason to not trust me after all, how amazing friends we used to be.  That’s not a reason to screw up my social life, out of his insecurities like a Jack. Well finally now the bastard has been handed a reason to not trust me. This is not just for Jan, but also to all the Jacks , the Jan turned  Jacks  and Jan screwing Jacks out there. Jan is my bro, who needs to be fixed.

It’s B for Brovenge.