My Laughing Valentine

Early in the day I received a postcard from my Ex-Girlfriend with no name on. Yes, on Valentine’s day. You can imagine the turmoil of thrill and anxiety I had. The card had a picturesque picture of the earth taken from the space. I paused to ward of the questions bombarding my feelings at rates faster than the speed of sound. What does she mean? Has our lost love now gone cosmic? Interstellar love?…Wait. Does she want me to bring back E.T. for her? . That’s when I decided to find and decipher the secret Morse code and flipped over the card. It read “WISH YOU WERE HERE”.

That’s how I could confirm which one it was. She was and evidently is still very funny, just like me. So the whole afternoon my mindpalace was filled with memories of all the dates and the cheeky things that I did and ended up screwing. Mostly it was my sense of humor that turned opportunities and situations to awkward and more awkward situations. So following are a few case in point examples.

This one girl that I was dating was very much into Math, so once as a flash of brilliance I told her that “My love for you is like Calculus. Although full of limits, I know we’re approaching to infinity.” She was instantly dumbstruck and then after a while gave me a problem of limits to solve. Now, I could have just told her my grades in Math courses and stopped making  things any more awkward. Instead I chose to solve the limits and got the result to be zero, which she then told was the chances for her love for me.

Recently this girl I was seeing had a ‘feeling missing’ fb status about missing out on the Coldplay concert as she had just recently moved to another city from Mumbai. The post ran with words like feeling, missed chance, sad, wished blah blah blah and some teary sad emojis too. The post already had two dozen likes. Now, what I should have done was send a flirting text like “Every tear is a waterfall” or something to cheer her up. Instead what I did was I reacted on her status with a laughing emoji. In my defence I was laughing at the fact that a dozen people liked the fact that she was feeling sad about missing an event. That night I had a lot of explanation to do. Present status- We don’t talk anymore.

Once on the occasion of my then girlfriend’s birthday, I joined her friends for the cake cutting thing. So after the cutting, and facial rituals were done, the sugarless cake was distributed and I gobbled mine. To my surprise as I looked around, I could see faces staring at me with everyone holding their pieces intact. To defuse the tension I said ” I guess, I should have asked for the instructions manual”.    It turns out that her pissed of friends were planning to insta with the whole group first. Later my girlfriend and I had a talk where she wanted me to stop being silly, stand up and move on. Women are always right. So now I do stand-up and moved on from making girlfriend jokes. Ex-Girlfriend jokes anyone?

Humor is incurable and I’m gonna make the same silly awkward situations again, if I get a second chance. So unlike most people’s wishes, I don’t need a reset switch. Infact out of introspection I have come to the conclusion that I need a self destruct switch, which is far better than being struck in a time loop.

Now I have to prepare some excuses as my single friends will soon grill me like ‘the news hour @9’ with questions like –                                                                                                           ‘

Do you have a girlfriend?

The nation wants to know.

Also the nation wants a NO.

Self-Destruct in 5,4,3,….


Men without Signals- monologue

I don’t get the signal from women. I have no clue what they are thinking. I admit it. Men are obvious on the other hand. Women know what men want. Men know what men want. What do we want? We want women. How to get them? Oh we don’t know about that. The next step after that, we have no idea.

Women might wonder what goes on in men’s heads. I will tell you. Nothing. If you want to know why then it’s probably like ‘We want women, that’s it and nothing else runs in our heads’. We men don’t think….. I will tell you how. But it’s amazing that we still get women. Like ever wonder how every woman you meet “Have a boyfriend”?

Let me tell you a bit about our brotherhood. “Where ever women are”?  we have a man working on that situation right this moment. Now he may not be our best guy, Ok. Infact one of our guy’s tinder profile says “Although on the downside I am delusional, but on the plus side I am Batman.” BAM! That’s the best idea the last of his brain cells could come up with. It’s just that we have a lot of areas to cover. But someone from our team is on the scene.

Now you really want to know how despite being obvious and clueless our men make the cut. Let me take the example of our delusional batman. Our man gets a tinder match with a woman and they soon text it off to a start. After initial exchange of numbers and in one of the calls,  the woman goes like “So tell me what’s the secret behind you being so cool in life”, to which our man replies “ I enjoy carelessly during the day like Bruce Wayne and during the night I am the evil-fighting, justice seeking, responsible caped crusader”. And the amazed woman goes likeso tell me batman, what cool gadgets do you own?. “I have a laptop, a smartphone… two actually my old one still works if needed, and a kindle”. The woman goes “Oh”  and our man interrupts “ Also I have an earphone” to which the woman replies “Yeah, right. That’s cool too.

See this is our delusional batman flirting on the scene and that’s what I have been talking about so far. So the woman is obviously no longer delusional like our guy, and the conversation continues. Woman goes like “Since you are the best detective in the world, and as a test why don’t you do something for me?”, “I’m listening” says our guy and the woman goes like “Can you find me the phone number of Zac Efron?”.

Now at this point one needn’t be a millionaire or know even a single form of martial arts to realize that this is the signal that there is a BATSIGNAL somewhere wanting this guy off the scene immediately.

But anyway our man asks her “Does he know where the Joker is?” and the woman blurts out  “Whaaat?… Noo!” and Batman being Batman hangs up the phone.

See even Batman doesn’t get the signal.