Recently, I : Deadpan edition

  • Recently, I wanted to join the debating team, but then someone talked me out of it.
  • That guy went on to  be the joint secretary of debsoc.
  • If I have a duel with him, I would let him have my pen because pen is mightier than a sword.

 

  • Recently, I had applied to the editorial of the college magazine.
  • You know, you can’t please all the people all the time- & that day all these people were at my interview for magazine recruitment

 

  • Recently, I settled for tennis in the hopes of breaking into the team one day.
  • My motivation read like- loosing a tennis match isn’t failure, it’s research.
  • Apparently no one wants me to stop my research.
  • I was so involved that I should be getting the government funding.
  • I won the bronze medal in one of the tournaments.
  • Only two other players showed up.
  • I wasn’t depressed about it because, according to my research the organizers couldn’t afford more than one gold medal.

 

  • Recently, I visited a museum.
  • It had heads and arms from statutes that are in other museums. 
  • It’s the only place where you can find so many decapitated cool looking heads.
  • I wonder whether these museums had battles and for settlement partitioned all the full bodied assets. 

 

  • Recently, I went on a date with a girl.
  • She handed a picture of hers to me, and said ” Here’s a picture of me when I was younger”
  • I said every picture of you is when you were younger.
  • She somehow burnt her tongue over the espresso and still went on talking the whole evening.
  • I got dumped later.
  • Probably for not buying her ice-cream in the winter.
  • As a gentleman I didn’t kiss and tell either.

 

  • Recently, I went to CCD…..alone.
  • I had an amazing experience.
  • I saw a sign that said “HELP WANTED”, there was this another sing above that said “SELF SERVICE”
  • So I hired Myself.
  • Then I made myself the boss.
  • I gave myself a raise.
  • I paid myself.
  • Then I quit.

The Phoney from MARS

Recently someone hit me hard with this questionWhere do you see yourself in the next five years?“. For a science student with a messed up past who thinks Batman also  had a bad past but not H.G.Wells (He has the time machine), I daydreamed. The following is how I could envision myself as honest and phoney it could be-

_____________________________________________________________

Dear Dobby

It’s mission day 51 and you wouldn’t believe what all just happened. In fact the chances of you believing what I’m goanna tell is similar to that of me reaching back earth again alive, so I have decided to take my chances. You know the feeling of having the hopes of billions of people of a planet on the only person in another planet. First it was on Elon all these years and now since people have seen me alive on Mars it’s been weighing on me since the last 50 days. Being on cloud nine helped me in all my explorations till date. But today was different.

So as usual I was on my regular expedition but it was in the sector 78. It’s one of the areas of this mysterious Red planet that remained mystery till date, for no previous rovers or satellites have any data of it. So in the usual expedition course, I came across piles and piles of rumbles at this particular site. It was all partly covered in dust and I went through all the remains. As I kept moving there were more than just debris, there were intact parts of something huge everywhere. It was definitely from earth and then it clicked me- it must the remains of a spaceship from the SNASA mission. It’s Secret NASA. There’s no basis to rule out this speculation because people are not supposed to talk about these kind of things. That’s the thing with government space agencies, because for them all matters are confidential, but some are more confidential than others. I then made a mental note to call the NASA first thing when I return to my base. I even had my opening line ready “Houston, we have your secret”.

Then I saw the most shocking thing, there were remains of a space suit. Yes it means I’m not the first human on Mars. I then stopped and thought, it can also just be a suit of a monkey or a dog. So technically I still had my hopes and I tried to calm down, but then I saw a red flag and I was like “How the hell did the Chinese make it before us?”. I was so freaked and checked the database to see the info of all the Chinese space missions. And as I went through the images it struck me hard, as the red flag didn’t match the China’s flag. If Elon Musk gets to know that my general knowledge is bad then I’m so goanna be out of SpaceX. And then it struck me really hard that what I came across was a freaking USSR flag. The Soviet Union. The Russians were here before.

A quick scan of the surroundings indicated that it was clearly more than forty tons of rumbles. It made sense as NASA’s space shuttle only had an upper limit of twenty eight tonnes in capacity. This must be the Russia’s powerful BURAN launcher. According to the records it was developed in 1988 by USSR and was capable of ninety five tonnes tops of play load. It does make sense now. Imagine Russia developed this technology back in 1980s while the American were busy producing Star Wars movies and making money of it.  What a contrasting inroads into space technology history of today’s rivals.

I truly wish NASA were not hit by the recent budget cuts, thanks to the joke American people chose. Trump has literally made walls in Space over NASA’s capabilities. I can’t imagine the mixed feeling Americans are going to feel as their pride is going to be soon short-lived by news of Russian supremacy once again. I really wish the government wasn’t in such a bad budget situation. Because I could really get government funding for research and development of a Light-Saber (and maybe even a defence contract for production in future), now that people can be convinced Star Wars is going to be a thing. Elon would be really proud of me and we can revive America again with its nerds. This can also supposedly be my backup plan in case you know if I get unemployed.

As my search for surprises went on and hours later I found what seemed to be my fear and dasher of my pride, a somewhat remains of a human body. Seems like the astronaut ran out of supplies. The Roscosmos (Russian space agency) must have failed to look at the long term implications of their space ships and mission, when they sneaked one towards Mars while they convinced the world of so many failures. The wise men always said that in the long run we all are goanna be dead. But back then all I could think was how it all could go wrong for me. Maybe that might be me very soon.

What went wrong for the Russians?……They must have made some blunder?……What is it that they don’t want to admit?……What’s the fault they made?  -These will be the line of thoughts of any person preparing for their next move in this space race. They will fail to connect all the dots looking at the past.

That moment I could see the light while going through the dark past. All the past days of pride didn’t matter anymore for I could connect the dots looking back deep down in history. What’s the horrifying reason that they didn’t say anything about it? Maybe they lost contact with him long before he landed on Mars.  Maybe the Roscosmos didn’t have enough money to rescue their cosmonaut (I bet the guy’s name must have been Matteo Damonov, and also Andy Wier had some friend from the Soviet space program long before his book got a movie contract). The USSR flag, Soviets always trumping the Americans in Space technology with achievements, BURAN space launcher technology (1988), collapse of USSR (1991). Countries fighting out to colonise Mars while overlooking the plight of people on Earth for whom they are supposedly doing all this for. Technological strides achieved at the expense of many, for everything has a cost. In the history filled with innumerable facts and lies, should I be contributing mine?

By the way Dobby, I believe I have got the best idea for my first fiction book. It’s going to be about the collapse of the Soviet Union by specifically highlighting how broke they were to rescue their own astronaut who was struck in Mars. It’s definitely going to be a best-seller in America and also in some parts of Europe. By the way I do know that writing a personal diary and that too calling it Dobby in the year 2022 ain’t cool but then you got to accept the fact that I am the best writer you can find on the planet.

Ben_Joe                                                                                                                     SpaceX_Falcon9_Base                                                                                                          Its_MARS_Baby!

My Laughing Valentine

Early in the day I received a postcard from my Ex-Girlfriend with no name on. Yes, on Valentine’s day. You can imagine the turmoil of thrill and anxiety I had. The card had a picturesque picture of the earth taken from the space. I paused to ward of the questions bombarding my feelings at rates faster than the speed of sound. What does she mean? Has our lost love now gone cosmic? Interstellar love?…Wait. Does she want me to bring back E.T. for her? . That’s when I decided to find and decipher the secret Morse code and flipped over the card. It read “WISH YOU WERE HERE”.

That’s how I could confirm which one it was. She was and evidently is still very funny, just like me. So the whole afternoon my mindpalace was filled with memories of all the dates and the cheeky things that I did and ended up screwing. Mostly it was my sense of humor that turned opportunities and situations to awkward and more awkward situations. So following are a few case in point examples.

This one girl that I was dating was very much into Math, so once as a flash of brilliance I told her that “My love for you is like Calculus. Although full of limits, I know we’re approaching to infinity.” She was instantly dumbstruck and then after a while gave me a problem of limits to solve. Now, I could have just told her my grades in Math courses and stopped making  things any more awkward. Instead I chose to solve the limits and got the result to be zero, which she then told was the chances for her love for me.

Recently this girl I was seeing had a ‘feeling missing’ fb status about missing out on the Coldplay concert as she had just recently moved to another city from Mumbai. The post ran with words like feeling, missed chance, sad, wished blah blah blah and some teary sad emojis too. The post already had two dozen likes. Now, what I should have done was send a flirting text like “Every tear is a waterfall” or something to cheer her up. Instead what I did was I reacted on her status with a laughing emoji. In my defence I was laughing at the fact that a dozen people liked the fact that she was feeling sad about missing an event. That night I had a lot of explanation to do. Present status- We don’t talk anymore.

Once on the occasion of my then girlfriend’s birthday, I joined her friends for the cake cutting thing. So after the cutting, and facial rituals were done, the sugarless cake was distributed and I gobbled mine. To my surprise as I looked around, I could see faces staring at me with everyone holding their pieces intact. To defuse the tension I said ” I guess, I should have asked for the instructions manual”.    It turns out that her pissed of friends were planning to insta with the whole group first. Later my girlfriend and I had a talk where she wanted me to stop being silly, stand up and move on. Women are always right. So now I do stand-up and moved on from making girlfriend jokes. Ex-Girlfriend jokes anyone?

Humor is incurable and I’m gonna make the same silly awkward situations again, if I get a second chance. So unlike most people’s wishes, I don’t need a reset switch. Infact out of introspection I have come to the conclusion that I need a self destruct switch, which is far better than being struck in a time loop.

Now I have to prepare some excuses as my single friends will soon grill me like ‘the news hour @9’ with questions like –                                                                                                           ‘

Do you have a girlfriend?

The nation wants to know.

Also the nation wants a NO.

Self-Destruct in 5,4,3,….

Public buses & folks on footboard -Stand Up Comedy

Ladies and Gentlemen, the following is the script of a standup routine which I performed at my first open mic. Despite there being numerous jokes and punchlines and things that may or may not make sense, the only laughs I got was for the fact that I was telling my audience (also read friends) about my life. I guess, I need to look for new friends and also as a consequence of being broke, I am gonna blog the whole thing down. Reading Time: 4min (It’s faster than the 2min claims by maggi)

So how many of you have traveled by crowded public buses? I’m talking about really crowded buses that comes to your mind when referring to DTC, BMTC…..the criteria being that at least a dozen dudes be seen hanging around the foot-board zone.

Now no matter how much you despise them because in reality you are clueless about your own life and have nothing else to be prouder about than judging them, because at that moment they are the real heroes. They have an alert vision and mission in their lives. You don’t. They practice day in and day out…and one day you see a battalion of them in the Republic day parade doing ballet on motor bikes.

They are the ones who will make it to the army. You have been following the wrong Delhi Daredevils all this time.

Now don’t be confused when I say not all the footboarders are good. Army has high standards and so are their rejection rates. You know what I mean. Yeah, so vast majority of them are morons.

During one of my public bus rides I spotted one footboard hanging dude and he became mean when I told him about there being space inside the bus. He’s a moron.

This dude was going all over the footboard as if it’s an Olympic sport. And as I was observing him closely, he kept on changing the positions in weird ways as if he was trying to get media attention and then even government funding.

He was literally going by the motto “it’s a matter of life and death” you know. This moron gave the the conductor a stupid guilt-inducing stare as if because of people like him India doesn’t win medals at the Olympics.

Now after a few many stops, there were unoccupied seats and this moron is still hanging there with more than half of his body outside. He was like on the constant look out for the road less traveled or something and surely he’s very excited to be the first one to jump and run to it.

That’s it people, thank you for being such a nice audience, and yeah you all are nice because most of the morons couldn’t make it here after taking the ticket to glory on the highway to hell.

 

 

 

 

Men without Signals- monologue

I don’t get the signal from women. I have no clue what they are thinking. I admit it. Men are obvious on the other hand. Women know what men want. Men know what men want. What do we want? We want women. How to get them? Oh we don’t know about that. The next step after that, we have no idea.

Women might wonder what goes on in men’s heads. I will tell you. Nothing. If you want to know why then it’s probably like ‘We want women, that’s it and nothing else runs in our heads’. We men don’t think….. I will tell you how. But it’s amazing that we still get women. Like ever wonder how every woman you meet “Have a boyfriend”?

Let me tell you a bit about our brotherhood. “Where ever women are”?  we have a man working on that situation right this moment. Now he may not be our best guy, Ok. Infact one of our guy’s tinder profile says “Although on the downside I am delusional, but on the plus side I am Batman.” BAM! That’s the best idea the last of his brain cells could come up with. It’s just that we have a lot of areas to cover. But someone from our team is on the scene.

Now you really want to know how despite being obvious and clueless our men make the cut. Let me take the example of our delusional batman. Our man gets a tinder match with a woman and they soon text it off to a start. After initial exchange of numbers and in one of the calls,  the woman goes like “So tell me what’s the secret behind you being so cool in life”, to which our man replies “ I enjoy carelessly during the day like Bruce Wayne and during the night I am the evil-fighting, justice seeking, responsible caped crusader”. And the amazed woman goes likeso tell me batman, what cool gadgets do you own?. “I have a laptop, a smartphone…..no two actually my old one still works if needed, and a kindle”. The woman goes “Oh”  and our man interrupts “ Also I have an earphone” to which the woman replies “Yeah, right. That’s cool too.

See this is our delusional batman flirting on the scene and that’s what I have been talking about so far. So the woman is obviously no longer delusional like our guy, and the conversation continues. Woman goes like “Since you are the best detective in the world, and as a test why don’t you do something for me?”, “I’m listening” says our guy and the woman goes like “Can you find me the phone number of Zac Efron?”.

Now at this point one needn’t be a millionaire or know even a single form of martial arts to realize that this is the signal that there is a BATSIGNAL somewhere wanting this guy off the scene immediately.

But anyway our man asks her “Does he know where the Joker is?” and the woman blurts out  “Whaaat?… Noo!” and Batman being Batman hangs up the phone.

See even Batman doesn’t get the signal.

handwriting

#3 The Shameless First

(A LOUD VOICE BUZZEZ)

“Hey man, are you all right? …Get up!… Here, grab my hand.”

(FEW MOMENTS AGO)

Magz: It doesn’t make sense for all these shops to be closed on a freaking Wednesday.

Jan: Neither to me. I’m sure there’s a sports store along the coming right lane.

Magz: Hope this one has open shutters awaiting us.

Jan: Your hope and my surety should do the purpose of course with some Wednesday luck.

Magz: Yup.

Jan: So you really wanna surprise Davi on his birthday? He has an uncrackable shell over the imaginary region enclosing his pleasant emotions.

Magz: Not when he gets his special Manchester United tee for surprise.

Jan:  Oh boy! What a choice to turn the Blues lad red.

Magz:  So this is the lane to turn towards right?

Jan: Yeah. This one, by the way would you like to go for…

Magz: Watch out for that open gutter!

Jan: a coffee…What?Where?…..SHIT!

Magz: Damn. Sorry, for the late heads up.

Jan: Didn’t knew I could pilot the landing from impulse.

Magz: Hey man, are you all right?…. Get up!…. Here, grab my hand.

(PRESENTLY)

Jan: I am ‘fine’ fine. Damn these partly open gutters of surprises.

Magz: Gutters what?

Jan: Wait, why we are at the library steps. Why are these steps wet? Oh!

c360_2016-12-01-21-48-38-844

Dear Diary,

this is as far as I could remember my conversation with Magz Crown because after a point it makes sense to not to. The point that succeeded the library gardener’s err amidst the man made flora leading to the slip of my ‘work in progress’ pride. Some falls and specific walks are not to remember.

The only lesson I learnt and worth remembering that day was that first experiences are important because they help you to discover your inner self, ever ready to pop out and also what not to do and what to be pretending to do the second time. Also I guess the third time with supported data from the second time can help in determining with proof whether a person is a fool or even worse dumb.

And as a practical consequence, I should stop shamelessly  dreaming of how to ask out a chick for a date that too during our first meeting, just because so far it had exceeded enough time to be serene about not needing to check the phone for notifications. Neither did she……….

With excitement

Jan Boey

#2 B for Brovenge

Now that I have found a way to get hold of Jan’s diary, without his highness being aware I’m gonna blog the truth out of his phony journal. It will be done one blog at a time after all,the courtesy has to be extended back to Jan dude for  all his actions. Well I don’t seriously intent to go filmy kinda revenge style, because as it happens he’s also my best friend, no actually is, but used to be, no longer after he bitched behind my back to Mags Crown.

Cutting all the literary crap out of the picture and hence the blog, Jan Boey is the kind of Bro for whom which every time you play wing man, you are bound to end up in regret. He acts to be very intuitive and mature for his age and spoils it for all- for everyone involved, which concerns me the most even in those sick of counting times. What made him this cocky and all different from the one I crashed into the first time has to do something with last summer.

Last summer Jan went to this some famous R&D company for internship, where he interned with a batch of students from other big-shot colleges. He had a crush on this one girl Stacy, also then there was this new buddy of his named Jack. One sober night Jan found that Stacy had another admirer in Jack, so outta nowhere in his attempts to save all the relations Jan came up with a pact. Jan and Jack wouldn’t let Stacy know their intents until the last day of intern and let Stacy and the Devil do the rest. It’s so simple and sober pact between the bros.

So on the the D-day as Jan sent his crush request to Stacy, it came back crushed and crumbled to him with a new fact that someone had asked Stacy out and been dating her ever since the beginning of intern who was later unveiled to be Jack (the pact) Breacher, much to the  disappointment of last hope of Jan. Truly Jack is not a Bro, and neither of Jan’s wishes came true.

That’s from when I guess Jan lost the spirit of Bro code and he never trusts me. Well that incident shouldn’t be a reason to not trust me after all, how amazing friends we used to be.  That’s not a reason to screw up my social life, out of his insecurities like a Jack. Well finally now the bastard has been handed a reason to not trust me. This is not just for Jan, but also to all the Jacks , the Jan turned  Jacks  and Jan screwing Jacks out there. Jan is my bro, who needs to be fixed.

It’s B for Brovenge.